Until the heart attack last year I was a party girl, quaffing champagne and cava, enjoying a VAT or a vino and dancing and giggling along with everyone else in a squiffy haze.
Then boom, my lifestyle was turned upside down and I was banned from drinking by the cardiologist who said one drink could stop my heart and I'd literally drop dead.
I'd always bounced back from life's challenges with Tiggeresque vigor and this was no exception ... With alot of hard work I hasten to add.
I worked - and continue to work - on the emotional causes of my heart giving me that all mighty Wake-Up call and this blog is part of that emotional quarrying.
Whilst resolving to find and release the emotions, life's events keep setting off deep seated chain reactions that I don't expect.
Recently, I woke up to the fact that the dramas that I experienced as a result of alcohol have left me traumatised and I honestly didn't see that whilst I was part of the party.
This is no sob story, but rather a realisation that I wanted to share as I'm sure I'm not alone in this.
I believe that I've become more and more sensitive to negative vibrations as I'm no longer numbing my own mind, body or spirit with alcohol ... Which is a recognised sedative and painkiller.
My second ex-husband was an alcoholic and during our 15 years together, he gaslit me by lying to cover his tracks, which messed with my head. I was in a constant state of confusion for many years. His words didn't match his actions but he persisted with his lies and blatant disregard for my feelings to the point that I pretty much had a nervous breakdown as I was quite literally driven to distraction by the mixed signals and messages. When I gathered my strength I broke free and divorced him ... and then landed in a rather fun relationship with a fella who turned out to be bipolar.
Frying pan and fire spring to mind!
His mood swings were very evident with alcohol when he'd turn, telling me that he hated the sight of my face and couldn't stand to be in the same room as me. Then he'd plunge into depression as he felt physically ill until a few days later he'd be fun and affectionate until the next time.
I was no angel at times under the influence so I stopped drinking in disgust at myself as I'd snap and shout like a fishwife. Because I was now sober, I'd see why I had been snapping ... The verbal abuse, the ridiculous behaviour, the poor judgement calls, the aggression and I finally understood and forgave myself.
Over several relationships I have been hit over the head with a saucepan, dropped intentionally down the stairs, ordered out of my home in the middle of the night, been threatened, punched and been on the receiving end of drunken rants like you wouldn't believe. I'd had my kitchen window smashed, been pinned down and told I could be headbutted till I had no face left - and yet, being a strong Amazonian woman, the worst thing to me is to mess with my head. To be lied to and told that my intuition was wrong meant my radar needed recalibrating but after having a good rethink, is still be told that I was wrong with lies.
Trust is the solid foundation that all types of relationships are built on and without that you have nothing because it isn't real.
If there is a need to lie then someone is covering their tracks. They are showing a lack of respect, and are messing with another person's gut instincts ... Their intuition which guides them on their life path and tells them which situations are good and bad.
What of the odd white lie? The definition is a harmless or trivial lie, especially one told to avoid hurting someone's feelings.
... Not one to stop yourself getting into trouble.
And so, I've developed an aversion to alcohol and won't have it, or those under the influence in my house. Mi casa is my sanctuary, the place I run home to for safety and tranquility from the craziness. I literally panic or develop anxiety at the thought of being stuck in a social situation with over-squiffy people and need to have an escape plan. If I can't escape I I go into fight or flight mode.
I can actually feel the adrenaline in my body at the thought of anyone wobbling into my home drunk and kicking off.
That situation sets my heart beating fast and irregular and having had a heart attack and heart failure, I need to keep her as happy as possible so I have developed a zero tolerance for self preservation sake. Crazy considering that I was a very successful pub landlady for six and a half years and dealt with overly squiffy people everyday for most of that time. But I hadn't had a heart attack then!
... And I only realised that I have to work on releasing this, yesterday.
So the point is, trust your emotions and your gut. They are there to tell you if you're in the right place metophorically, physically and mentally and if you are anxious, get the hell out of that situation because if you accept it, you'll get more because The Universe will think that you like it and send you more.
Once again I thank the participants in the movie that is my life, for showing me the way regardless of their methodology. Life is a lesson. Learn and grow shiny happy people.
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Linda Jane W has been a Holistic Practitioner and Tutor for over 15 years.